I posted "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" as my status on FB, and it was interesting to see that a bunch of people that I don't know all that well "liked" it. I wonder who has had losses or who has seen it happen to people they love. I like to think this is making space for people to grieve out loud. Yeah, fellow-professor-who-seems-awesome-but-who-I-don't-really-know! We both get it!
I know that some people who had losses at 8 weeks like I did experience it as the death of a baby, and I absolutely respect that. It wasn't (and isn't) like that for me. Instead it was a lot like getting divorced a few years ago. No person died then either, but something died. I loved him like crazy, but his untreated mental health issues meant I couldn't make a life with him. That marriage and my winter pregnancy both started out as beautifully promising and very wanted things, and they both turned out to be ... I dunno. "Non-starters" is flippantly slangy, and "not meant to be" is something ignorant people say. I guess the phrase I want is "sadly unsustainable".
Those two periods of heavy-duty grieving felt a lot alike. Suddenly bolting upright in the middle of the night sobbing before I even realized I was awake. Staring at the ceiling. Pretending to be my regular self while at work (an exhausting facade to maintain). Watching people talk to me instead of actually listening. Not being able to immerse myself in anything.
The biggest difference was that I came back to life on a fairly steady trajectory post-divorce, but after the m/c it was just a seemingly endless morass of waiting for my cycles to resume and then being benched with a cyst, all the while watching months tick by. I had some good days and moments in that period, but I wasn't really healing.
I'm thinking of lost babies and pregnancies today, but I'm also sending my love to those currently ensnared in the maddeningly chronic loss-process of infertility.
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Brief pregnancy update: End of 22nd week. Heartburn. Nutella. Have to hold my breath when I fold over to tie my shoes. Almost 100% maternity pants. Filled out hospital paperwork; read "Mother's Name" and thought, "Why do they want to know my mother's name? (pause) Oh, wait! I'm the mother!"
This was a great Oct. 15th post... I join you in sending love to those enmeshed in the chronic grief and disappointment that is waiting for a baby after a loss.
ReplyDeleteI also like the "mother's name" realization a lot! It was the same for me when my dr. asked about genetic defects on both sides of the family... I started talking about my mom's side and my dad's side, and she had to correct me! Oh! She meant me and Eric-- we represent 2 sides of a family now! Very strange.
I am so proud of you for posting on FB. I have posted several things over the past few months about baby loss and IF, it is interesting to see what (if anything) gets commented.
ReplyDeleteThinking of your lost little baby today.
That is funny about the forms by the way, I think I would do the same exact thing.
Thank you Amy!
ReplyDeleteI think "sadly unsustainable" is well put. It recognizes the pain but it also recognizes the reality. It's a tough and sad reality, but it is what it is (especially for people like me who do know that things are - or likely are - chromosomally fu@ked).
ReplyDeleteI smiled at your pregnancy update. 22 weeks! That's wonderful, Amy.