With reference to one of Bunny's hilarious but also vibrantly meaningful posts, I want to claim that IFfers DO make better parents! Not that I'm a parent yet, but humor me for a minute.
One thing I got better at with my blessedly brief period of IF is trusting myself to make good, authentic decisions. On the one hand, I got better at turning inward: what do *I* feel is best for our family of two (buffering the influence of others, real and imagined). But I also got a lot better at questioning my former self. It can be easy to say what one would do given a particular situation, but the truth it you don't know until you're there. The idea is one thing; the reality is another.
I'm now feeling the fruits of that during pregnancy (29 weeks today!) and looking toward labor and delivery. Things that used to seem like no-brainers are actually important, open questions. I always thought I'd mightily resist the epidural, and I always thought I would totally have a doula. Now I don't really know. Both depend so much on the particulars. What doulas are even available in my small, not-particularly-progressive city? What does rippin' back labor actually feel like? I like the ideas of a doula and a drug-free birth; but I recognize that the realities will be what they're going to be.
I feel my rigidities softening as I look toward parenting too. We have principles in mind, but the reality is that we're going to raise the actual child we (hope to) bring home; not the idea of a child.
Maybe people who parent after IF are more conscious of appreciating their good fortune, but I wonder if the bigger benefit of IF is the way it seasons us to be both principled and flexible.
I totally hear you on this one, Amy, and I agree. In the last year or so I think I really have been humbled by how little control I have in certain situations--a first hand lesson delivered by the IF experience. Sure, I still have my principles and general objectives, but I've learned so much about taking a step back and rebounding with some grace and flexibility. I feel with certainty that I would be a different person in pregnancy had I have never found myself intertwined in the IF experience.
ReplyDeleteI did read about a study about parenting after IF (in a book called Unconceivable)in which it was originally posited that moms after infertility would be clingy, anxious type moms...and the study found the exact opposite. Not that I ever really had doubts about this, but it was validating to read. ;)
I agree with so much of this. My mom had four drug free deliveries so I thought hmm it would be really cool if I could do that too, but always in the back of my head knowing that if the reality of labor was horrible, I'd be ok getting the epidural as well. Or a c-section, if that's the way my baby needs to arrive, well alright. I watched an episode of A baby story recently when the mother was so upset with having to get a c-section that she was totally unhappy after the birth. All I could think is, seriously, woman? You have a beautiful healthy baby and all you can do is grieve the idea of birth that you didn't get to have??? Really?
ReplyDeleteI've always been a fairly flexible roll with the punches kind of person, but IF and loss have really cemented that we don't have a lot of control in so many things in life that maybe we thought we did.
Principled and flexible...I like it. Sure, we have our ideas on what we prefer, but we know reality hits and we may have to change our minds.
I love this idea. Well put. :)
ReplyDeleteI love this post. And I agree whole-heartedly with everything you've said! Congrats on 29 weeks!! 11 to go :)
ReplyDeleteI recently told Mr. Bunny that I think we'll be more mellow as parents because of this experience, but I couldn't articulate why. You and your commenters have done it for me. If I'd gotten pregnant instantly, I might never have learned that sheer will and careful planning can't control everything, and I think that's not a good perspective from which to approach parenting.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird, i've been feeling guilt that I am not more into reading all the books out there on childbirth and early child care, and I now know I don't want a doula or to learn a lot about birth beforehand. I just don't want to go in to any of this with specific expectations. I just feel like they'll be wrong anyways. I want to see what *I* come up with through this process, and want to experience it all as ME, not through some sort of new-age or hypnosis experience (for birth), and not through either an attachment vs. infant-training perspective for early child care. I just want to follow my instincts. It seems like that's what you;re saying here too. And I can't IMAGINE being disappointed by a c-section. WHATEVER-- just hand me that healthy baby at the end.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great way to look at things. Now that you mention it, I definitely see how I've changed during IF to realize that life can't be planned and to do the best with what I have.
ReplyDeleteGood lesson.
This is insightful, Amy. I am glad that you shared it and even if I'm not on the other side to say for sure, I expect that all this has helped you roll with the punches. Adapting to situations beyond your control seems like an incredible gift to a new parent. I feel confident that it does make you a better person and parent, even if it's hell while you are in it.
ReplyDeleteI think that those who WAIT for a child, however that form of WAIT is, and who YEARN for a child, definitely make better parents. For those who it just "happens" in a "just like that!" or "oops" sort of manner- certainly many of them can be and are great parents, but maybe not in the consciencous sort of "I will do everything I can to be the best parent I can to this child" sort of way...
ReplyDeleteActually, all my issues with infertility made me all the keener to have a natural birth. Sort of, "OK, so I couldn't conceive without medical assistance, but I could squeeze the thing out on my own!" That said, I was definitely focused on healthy baby, and while I mostly got the natural birth I wanted, I agreed to various changes to the birth plan as we went without any regrets.
ReplyDeleteI would say one other way that IFers make better parents is that the couple have already been through a difficult experience together and, in most cases, learned how to support each other through it. Enduring the sleepless nights and the confusion of inexperience once the baby arrives is tough, and one of the things I clearly remember is how my husband and I were careful to work through our disagreements quickly, aware that we needed each other too much to waste time in sulking.
On the flipside, IF taught me to take things one step at a time, which I think left me under-prepared mentally for actually taking that live, healthy baby home and caring for it. I think that probably contributed to my baby blues, but it's a passing phase. These days I'm a confident and happy Mum who cherishes the wonderful privilege of *having* her son.
THis is a really helpful post, and makes me feel a bit less anxious/ guilty/ what all for not diving into the planning for childbirth and childcare thereafter -- I guess I think that planning isn't all that helpful and it is good to see that IF has affected others similarly. Anyway, it sounds like you are in a great place on this and congrats on making it to 29 weeks!
ReplyDeleteYou make a very good point about flexibility. IF means that all bets are off and so it's absolutely true that certain rigidly held ideas...relax. Thank goodness:)
ReplyDeleteFlexibility is certainly important in both parenting and birth planning. You're right - IFers are experts at having to consider all the options then adapt plans as circumstances change. I think IF also serves to make us that much more patient and appreciative of what we have.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I imagine I will feel similarly when I'm actually anticipating bringing a child home at some point. I know just what you mean about turning inward into the heart of our family of two and about learning to shut out the voices on the outside.
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