I also just came across an interesting article on FitPregnancy.com about donor eggs. It's mostly a first-person account of her infertility journey and the arrival of her twin sons, but the author also emphasizes that talking about donor eggs is still taboo (like IVF used to be). She also reports that 12% of IVF cycles use donor eggs. That's higher than I would have guessed, which, I suppose, supports her claim that donor eggs aren't talked about as much as their use would warrant.
She's also puts IF into perspective in a funny way:
Besides, becoming parents was still well within our control, something I had decidedly lacked during my quest for a mate. Sure, infertility sucked, but it sucked a lot less than my years of dating guys with the emotional depth of a dust mite. After all, there aren't any adoption agencies for husbands.
I have to admit, if you asked me a few years ago, I would have said that I associated donor eggs and embryos with a worrisome designer-baby trend. I clearly did not get it. Now I've been thinking about it as akin to adoption: once a child is yours in your heart, you want your child to come home as soon as possible. And, hey, it doesn't get any sooner than coming home as an embryo to the womb!
I'd been thinking that plan B would almost definitely be adoption through foster care, but now I think donor gametes will also be a path to consider. At any rate, it's something we'll have to decide together when we get to that point.
Isn't it amazing how many things change in our minds during this journey? You deserve to be a mother and considering all of the options that you're comfortable with thoroughly will no doubt get you there.
ReplyDeleteIt really is astounding how much IF has taught me about sensitivity and open-mindedness. If your path veers in this new direction, so be it! I think that's awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are not alone with thinking way ahead. It is insane to me b/c I am currently carrying two babies....yet I can't help but think about how we want 3 (or even 4, yes, I feel greeeeeeedy typing that) children. I don't know if we can ever get our stars to align again. But it's in the tiniest, faraway back corner of my head. So yeah, I hear you.
xoxo
It's so interesting how much our perspectives change. I hate to think that I might have been one of those insensitive jerks before I was forced to really understand IF and all the mess that goes along with it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I'm already thinking ahead to number 2. We have 2 frozen embryos, but if that doesn't work I'm not sure how I'd feel about starting IVF from scratch again- mainly cause I don't know what I'd do with any "leftover" embryos we might be lucky enough to have. (Talk about getting ahead of myself!) I'm not sure if I'm personally comfortable donating my own embryos, which leaves me feeling extremely hypocritical seeing as I might have been (and might yet be) in the position of wanting to adopt embryos from a donor myself! I think donor embryos are an excellent choice for so many people for so many reasons. It'll be interesting to see how things work out when the time comes.
I'm already thinking ahead to #2 and we haven't even managed to get started on #1! :-) It has simplified a bit now that #1 will be a donor egg baby (as well as any possible #2). I've had a lot of helpful comments from the veterans of donor eggs. All of which say that they've never looked back on their decision to go with donor eggs.
ReplyDeleteInteresting stuff. There's something strange to me about the juxtaposition of adoption via foster care and donor gametes, as though there are tons of needy donor gametes out there looking for a home... As a desperately poor college student my attention was always caught by those egg donor ads, and at the time I didn't like the idea of my genetic material being out there, though I felt bad for couples who needed eggs. Now I think the idea of my genetic material being out there sounds great! This experience definitely changes you.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. My perspective on SO many things has completely changed throughout IF. I've learned so much and am able to imagine myself doing things I never would have considered a couple of years ago. You're right, though, using donor eggs is very much like adopting a child. It's definitely worth considering.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I'd compare adopting a child on par with adopting an egg. While the egg is not genetically yours, it might just as well be as it grows in your body and is nourished in your body. When you adopt a child, you acknowledge this child had other beginnings- some come straight from their birthmom into the arms of a waiting family, some spend time in foster care situations, some in orphange situations. To give birth to a child, whether they are gentically related to you or not, and nurture that child not just from birth but from conception, is a very different experience than recognizing that you are parenting a child who is yours as much as any birth child is, but who comes with a past that needs to be actively acknowledged, recognized, and discussed as your child grows up. An adopted child has a lot of losses in their life. I'm not sure I'd equate that to a donor egg, which will only realize life given the correct circumstances.
ReplyDeleteAs far as thinking ahead, I say think ON! :) You know (or have some inkling!) what your ideal family size is, and why not start thinking about how you'd like to make it happen?
Good points, Kelli and Bunny. I guess it's a pretty parent-centric comparison to highlight the similarities between donor gametes and adoption. From a child's perspective there's a HUGE difference between losing your first family and having your first family explain that there were donors involved.
ReplyDeleteThere's an organization called Miracles Waiting that provides an online space for embryo donors and recipients to find one another. They explain that they use the term "embryo donation" rather than "embryo adoption." I've used "adoption" because Rebecca K and her husband are experiencing it and describing it like that -- complete with home-study. Their story has been my point of reference up to now.
I have to admit the same thing about a few years ago. Amazing what perspective does:) Amazing, too, that we live in a period where such things are possible.
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