... I woke up bleeding copiously and went in for an u/s to confirm that my twin pregnancy was over at eight weeks. I had just seen their twinkling heartbeats on the u/s screen a few days before. Needless to say, I'm SO HAPPY to be this far into a robust pregnancy as that anniversary comes around. My memory of that immediate period is vivid: a fog of grief in a grubby January week right before the start of a new, tiring semester.
A year ago tomorrow, I started this blog. This is my 91st post. I had been lurking on IF blogs; the m/c prompted me to join the conversation. My first comment was from real-life friend Kelli (thanks!). Other early commenters included Bunny, Adele, and Al. Over time, I've tended to link to bloggers that are like me: 30-something or beyond, bookish, and secular in worldview. As others have said, it has been an incredibly important lifeline, especially when I was stalled out with cysts and ambiguous lab results.
I've often had to fight a deep-seated assumption that I just didn't have the goods to conceive and carry a pregnancy. Following other people's stories was such a big help in nudging me into a more active, hopeful mindset. And whenever I had an interaction or experience made caustic by IF, it was such a comfort to immediately think "Here's something to blog about! They'll understand!"
IF makes us drill down to the core of ourselves, and it's such a privilege to draw on the candor and wisdom produced by that process. I'd love to think that wherever there is despair, there is also this kind of well of kindness and strength.
I love the last line of this. I've had similar feelings, but never put them to words like you have. This community has made me hopeful that there are similar ones for any of life's hardships and tragedies that may be upon any of us. It's wonderful to know that support exists, isn't it? It makes me feel stronger in my ability to face anything life might throw at me. (And being here in the first place makes me realize that life may, indeed, throw anything at me!).
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wisdom here...
Aren't you glad we live in this generation? I can't imagine there was much support for women even 10 years ago, and as you said, it is so, so valuable. I'm sorry about your twins. Even with a healthy, robust pregnancy in progress, this must be a sad time. Better times ahead!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have that anniversary to look back on. I'm so glad, though, that you're so deep into a happy, healthy pregnancy right now.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, this blogging business is a real life line. I'm really glad it's here.
Oh, what a day that must have been. I'm sorry you had to go through it, and delighted today is so different. I look forward to reading about your adventures with the Giant Baby in the coming year!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad things have turned around so much in the last year. I am sorry you lost the twins, that must have been so difficult.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful there are wonderful people like you out there blogging! And I can't wait to hear about Moose's arrival!!! Happy Blogoversary tomorrow!
I'm so sorry about your m/c and all that you went through in its heartaching wake. I'm glad you joined the conversation, though, and I'm overjoyed that you are where you are right now. I'm uncertain where I'd be without this community. Like Finch, I can't imagine going through IF without this kind of support... I am so happy for you, Amy, in this last leg of your healthy pregnancy. Your bean will be here before you know it!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you are exactly where you are right now!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I adore the final paragraph of this post. You have articulated, so beautifully and perfectly, how there is good in this experience. xoxo
Thinking of you and your sweet babies, the ones that you lost and the one that is growing safe and sound in your belly right now.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this community is amazing and we do draw on each other's strength.
Sending lots of love your way...
IF makes us drill down to the core of ourselves: that is very well said.
ReplyDeleteWhat a difference a year makes. I'm so glad, Amy.
I don't know how I missed this post of yours, but I wanted to let you know that I wast thinking about you. I'm so glad you're in a better place this year!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for all of your comments lately - I really appreciate the support.
It truly is amazing how different our circumstances can be from one year to the next. I am so thrilled for you that you are weeks away from meeting your little miracle! I am still in love with your nickname, "Moose!"
ReplyDeleteAs the others said, you articulated IF so perfectly. It truly does make you drill right to your core and sometimes takes from you more than you think you have to give. But that's when we have each other...to pick us up and drag us through those hard times. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Very inspirational!