100th post - 5 1/2 weeks

That image is horizontal on my computer. But there you go -- there's my little guy when he was one-month old. I put him in a onesie sized for 12 months. I'm going to try to take a picture of him in that same onesie and set-up every month for a year and frame 'em all up. I hope it still fits.

It's been a whirlwind, and I haven't had much media time, which is probably a good thing. I've been reading along, following people's stories with bated breath, but I rarely have two hands to type with.

It's so hard to capture this huge experience in words, much less a blog post. So here are some unrelated snippets.

* Parenting has eclipsed my old life so completely that I forget how young he is. For example, I read up on things like gentle sleep training or development milestones and am reminded that he's really just a month old! It feels like he's been here for months and months. I'm frequently vacillating between "I can't wait until he can X" (smile, sit up, play with toys, etc) and "I don't want him to grow up at all!"

*I got fairly jacked up giving birth. It turns out a third-degree tear means that the laceration goes through your perineum and into (but not through) the sphincter around your rectum. No one explained this in the hospital. My lingering problem is pooping. Suffice to say I'm popping the stool softener religiously. I have an OB appointment Tuesday -- I'm eager to ask about if, when, and how I can ever get back to normal. Cuz it sucks.

* Related to that; a major thumbs-down moment for the doula. We had our follow-up meeting the week before last, and I mentioned these problems. After I emailed her a picture of her with DJ, she responded and said that she's been doing some reading that says that one particular epidural drug can have a side effect of fecal incontinence (which is the opposite of my problem). She says I should call the hospital and ask if this drug were used and writes "you might want to consider that the next time you have a baby." F___ you and your fundamentalist bullshit. I feel 100% great about my decision to get an epidural, and it's patently obvious that my problem stems from the muscle injury.

* When we had that meeting with the doula she mentioned something about DJ being resuscitated. Uh ... how did we miss that? Right before the push that freed his shoulders (and the rest of him) the doctor said that babies "with his profile" need extra stimulation right after birth, so they wouldn' t be able to hand him to me right away, but he would be fine. It sounded innocuous, I could hear his heartbeat on the monitor, and I was sucking oxygen through the mask, so I didn't find that statement alarming at all. I pictured them vigorously rubbing his arms and legs. It turns out they intubated him and bagged him. It seemed like only about 6 seconds went by before I heard him cry and another 3 seconds before they gave him to me. The doula said it was a little over a minute before he cried. Jason saw him totally limp as they moved him from the delivery spot to the baby spot, but he didn't see them intubate him. I have no idea how big a deal this is. Does this happen a lot? Is "resuscitate" one of those words that's scary to lay people but isn't really all that hairy in this case? Did he have to be intubated? Or would a smaller, non-teaching hospital just have used a mask? Had his heart stopped? I have no idea.

I cried and cried about it; weeks later, it still gets me, even though he's thriving in every way. I really should try to get an explanation from someone. I didn't know to ask about it while we were still in the hospital.

* I'm only three pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight but I can't get into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Blurgh. We've been doing a lot of walking now that it has warmed up.

* I'm actually getting a sustainable amount of sleep, because we gave in to co-sleeping. At first we had the Arms Reach sidecar-style co-sleeper set up, but he wouldn't sleep well in it; only about 20 minutes at a time. I'd end up picking him up and laying him down on my chest on his back. I'd carry him into the adjacent nursery for feedings and diaper changes. But with feedings beginning every two hours and taking 45 minutes each, I would only have an hour in between. Once I nursed him in bed, fell asleep lying on my side, and woke up in the exact same position, 2.5 hours later with him deeply asleep on his back. It was a revelation. Now, he and I sleep on a mattress on the baby room floor without blankets. We go to bed around 8 (or earlier). I started skipping the diaper changes between midnight and 6 am (unless one was really needed). Lately, though, he has started being wide awake between 2 and 5. We're going to start persistent, gentle crib training at the two-month mark.

* Because J and I hardly ever touch each other these days! One of us is always holding the baby. And whoever isn't holding the baby is usually dealing with the laundry. My folks were here the week after we got out of the hospital, and in that week, J and I had a glorious nap together, limbs intertwined, in a way we haven't been able to do for a couple months.

* Being pregnant and giving birth were tremendous experiences, and I'm so, so glad I got to have them, but becoming DJ's mom has made me even more enthusiastic about adoption. Yes, I carried him, but he was still a stranger when they handed him to me. I felt like I became his mother the first time I rocked him to sleep. I've always wholeheartedly believed parents who say their bonds with their adopted children are just as deep and abiding as those with their birthed children, but now I can actually see it for myself. We're going to try to conceive a second (see previous bullet on crib training!) but whether or not we succeed, I think adoption might be in my future.